a) I’m some kind of ninja. I’ve gotten a letter saying my father has been kidnapped. I need to go remedy this situation ASAP. However, I’m working as a bodyguard and hired enforcer for a local slum lord and mafiosa, an attractive woman that runs a bar down the road. My contract doesn’t expire for several months (she keeps extending it without notice and I never argue since I have nothing else to do in the world), and she won’t be happy to let me go. But I don’t have time for that kind of shit.

I kick in the door of the bar. The other two enforcers, a fatty, tubby muscle pile about 5’5” and an enormous brown bear, move to stop me. I inform them that I’m leaving, and I need to talk to Elena (the mistress). The fat man informs me that that won’t be happening; the bear stands back in a corner. I break a chair over the fat man and kick him. He laughs it off. He is standing by a rack of free weights, which he picks up and starts throwing at me.

“Not scared of me then?”

“No sir, and I don’t want to put you out either; just give me my things and I’ll be on my way.”

He throws an enormous 40 pound weight that crashes on the floor next to my feet.

“You’re scared enough that you drop that phony accent you use all the time; what state was that supposed to be from again? Har har.” (for some reason I’d been talking in an accent, and I realize he’s right, I was shaken enough that I dropped it)

I pick up a few of the smaller weights he’s thrown to the ground next to me, and swing a few of them at his shoulders. He deflects them with other, larger weights. While his arms are up deflecting, I kick him hard in the balls. In the momentary stun that gives me, I bring down both weights hard on the top of his head. He seems dazed, and mutters “good move, that.” absentmindedly. I bash him again and kick him backward over the rack of weights.

The bear has been sitting in the back corner of the room the entire time watching disinterestedly. I nod to him and walk up the back steps of the bar, to Elena’s apartment.

“I’m leaving, has my paycheck come in? I need it.”

“No pay this week. I haven’t got anything for you.”

“In that case you’re being robbed.” I walk past her and into the apartment and prepare to start breaking things.

“$150. It’s all I’ve got on me.” she hands me the money, shakes my hand, and says “I’m sorry to leave you go. Good luck out there.” and that’s that. I start walking across the desert.

b) There are several girls lying on the ground, each covered in a different color and flavor of cake. It’s artistically incredibly beautiful, but I pity the girl who’s covered in mint; no one would want to eat that much mint. She talks to me, and says “why can’t I find a nice guy?” she seems to be looking at some printed eligible bachelor application/résumé of me. “You play too many video games” she says. I convince her that I’m really not such a terrible nerd, and she stands up, kisses me, and pushes me over onto the ground.

c) I am wandering a chalky, washed out night landscape with eerie glows coming from the woods all around. It’s foggy, and there’s a wagon coming. I’ve found a pair of pants made of rhinestones and blue suede that smell like moss. The wagon pulls up. The driver leers down at me and says “a particular thing you need to know about these pants, Ebenezer.” He doesn’t get to tell me, because the skull and spinal cord that’s pulling the carriage (attached to a chain bolted into its head, alternatively floating and dragging) begins chanting “Woe, woe, woe for I haven’t my lamp.” and pulls the carriage onward.